Fear The Raptors!

After the Toronto Raptors defeated the Cleveland Cavaliers last night, a large group of not so rowdy fans purposely walked to Mayor John Tory’s house to politely petition that legislation should be passed naming the 2016 Raptors the greatest team of all time. Mayor Tory exclaimed, “I have not seen this sort of excitement since Loverboy released “The Kid is Hot Tonight”. Some of the people on my lawn were so excited they forgot to say ‘Please!'” Meanwhile, as Cleveland burned, Mayor Frank G. Jackson, the epitome of frumpy sexiness, worked dutifully on his NFL mock draft.

While the Raptors have become the darlings of about 2% of the Toronto population, they have not garnished much love outside the city. They are only drawing 88.3% capacity on the road, 29th in the NBA. More Americans would rather see the the Grizzlies, a heartwarming story of life after the Canadian shackles.

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