Quakes Toilet Paper Night

Quakes Toilet Paper Night – the I-10 Rivalry (or is it the I-210?) gets serious tonight as the giveaway is a roll of toilet paper with the Quakes name on it. It isn’t even the official Quakes Logo.

The 66ers staff smashed a Quakes’ car in the entry way to the stadium. What is a Quakes car? An old beater with a sign that says “Quakes” taped to it. Looks like no expense was spared for tonight! Let’s break stuff!

OUTRAGE — Mr. Congeniality at the hospitality tent says they are sold out of stats sheets tonight. That is horseshit – how do you sell out stats sheets a half an hour before game time? Hint – tell someone to print some more.

Crazy J just got toilet papered by the Mad Hatter. I think that is Crazy J – it might be someone dressed up as Crazy J. What type of desperate broke person would take that job? Fuck that guy and fuck Crazy J.

Looks like to be another sparse crowd – guess the TP just isn’t soft enough to draw a big crowd. The Wheelchair Brigade is here though – the wind yesterday couldn’t beat them down because they are RESILIENT.

Canned music for the National Anthem. This must be “On The Cheap Night.” Or maybe the “Death of the American Dream Night”.

88 degrees at first pitch. Summer comes early and will probably stay late.

It is a Crazy J knockoff – named Crazy A – I assume a stands for asshole. Fuck that guy.

The Hags, a benevolent group of Kettle Corn snarfing elderly ladies who somehow escape THE HOME every so often, have been drinking. They are vocal tonight, and it is only the first inning. Little Bads feels inspired to join in – don’t look at the saggy breasts, son – they will draw you in.

The Road Warrior is here. He is a Quakes fans who supposedly goes to every road game to cheer his boys on. We call that stalking around here, Perv. You are just a couple of curves from your road completely unwinding. He and I will exchange words – -we always do. Scorpion and Frog.

Stolen base – the Hags are ecstatic.

The 66ers cleanup hitter is batting .100. I am not sure who he is because I don’t have a stat sheet. He is below .100 after that strikeout.

Big screen is showing Great Moments in Quakes History – a walkoff HR by the 66ers last year. Now that is something I can get behind, especially if it keeps Crazy A off the field.

80 year old man in an oxford and khakis getting Jiggy. The Wheelchair Brigade starts yelling obscenities at him. I love these people. They can’t dance so know one else should. Wait, the old dude is a Quakes’ fan. Fuck that guy. Get out of my section, Freak!

HR Quakes – the trash talking in the stands should start in 3-2-1….

And right out of the gate, a 66er fan retaliates with “Go home; your house is burning!”

Quakes Fan: At least we own homes. Yours has been foreclosed on, so you rent!

Advantage: Quakes Fan. Meanwhile, the God of Fire is planning to burn Berdoo.

Holy shit – the Hags are retired teachers. Is this what I have to look forward to? The reality show better gain some traction quickly.

Just noticed the canvas from the right field pavilion is gone. The wind won yesterday. Maybe that is why tonight is on the cheap.

Crazy A pulls a college girl on the dugout – she says go Quakes! The crowd calls her variations of whore. LB asks me what a prostitute is. Someone who will be your friend for money is my reply. I will hear about that one tomorrow from my wife, but tonight is a rivalry game, and the Road Warrior is eyeballing me.

One of the Hags makes a comment about umpires’ stature and testicles in one sentence – something about short guys should still have a large enough sack to make the right call, but with much better alliteration

Sound the Horn!

There is a Quakes’ mother standing up by the Quakes dugout with her infant in one arm while she text with the other. I know a guy named Fly who would say that is Selective Darwinism just begging for attention. I normally don’t agree with that dude, but he would be correct in this case.

Sound the Horn (again)! The Ramones!

Quakes’ HBP brings out “Tis but a flesh wound” from the PA.

Quakes’ fans sitting behind me. The Hags are going to eat them. Literally.

Golf Bum is here tonight! Golf Bum is a grizzled man who wears a visor from PGA events, and a sports coat. He’s like a sunburned mummy who has been dropped in a jar of formaldehyde. Unlike most of the bat shit crazies here, Golf Bum is lucid.

I think the wind blew midges down from Canada. Look, bugs, flying insect are not indigenous to this region. You are lost!

Quakes score three runs, and their contingent start clamoring to “Sound The Horn.” If they weren’t so dumb and ugly, they’d almost be cute. Two words: DUI Checkpoint!

And now, a debate in Section 102 breaks out over whether DUI is a word or acronym. I am going to hurt some people.

The urinals have Quakes’ deodorant paddies in them. Maybe that is why I didn’t get a stat sheet.

Leo Rodriquez comes to the plate, and “Dude Looks Like a Lady” gets played. Poor Leo .

The 66ers third baseman obviously suffers from a disease that prevents him moving to his left.

Another Great Moment in Quakes History – 66ers walkoff hit in the deciding game of Round One of the playoffs last year versus the Quakes.

Quakes Trivia – the last time the Quakes won a Cal League championship was in 1994 – the same year Justin Bieber was born.

Someone is smoking a lot of pot. Or perhaps the city really is on fire.

Bernie slips on a banana peel in the race with the kid. I guess most of tonight’s creativity was invested in the urinal paddies.

Diving somersault by the 66er pitcher to rob a bunt single from the Quakes. GLORY!!

Comment from Section 102: Look at those anemic batting averages! Can we put steroids back in baseball?

Road Warrior is felling cocky with his boys up 6-3. His socks don’t match. Astute baseball writers note things like that.

Hey, My Town Hall just upgraded in Clash of Clans! Man can’t live on baseball alone.

Sound The Horn!

Moo and Brew changed the promo – is is cow tipping now.

Radar gun says 132—I believe that is off a little bit off

Men in their twenties should not ask Bernie to take a selfie with them. Have some pride, drunk frat boys.

Quakes fans are booing one of their hitters wit ha .240 BA getting walked. 66er fans are booing their manager for intentionally walking a .240 hitter.

Denny Hocking is the manager of the 66ers. He is now arguing fiercely with the umpire. A “Hocking for President” button flashes on the Big Screen. The Faithful might weep. The rest of the crowd roars.

Quakes pouring it on late. Quakes fans getting mouthy. Golf Bum yells, “Hey go back to your stadium with its little scoreboard. You know what they say about fans with little scoreboards – that is right, they have little cocks!

Advantage 66ers.

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