66er Home Opener 4/10

Expanded beer gardens — things are getting serious this year.

Winter has been hard for The Faithful – -their feet are reaching for the grave. This looks to be Body Count season — every game will be a count to see if they’ve lost anybody. One sees me, gets the groups’ attention, and in unison, they glare at me. God, I have missed these people.

Bring back The Bug! I scream as Bernie makes his first appearance. An old woman in the Jello Brigade shoots me the finger (the Jello Brigade is a group of senior citizens that sit together and ll have missing or rotten teeth). God, I have missed these people.

There is a 350 lb white man wearing a Homestead Greys jersey. I will never understand jersey culture.

A tweaker from the High Desert just walked by with a hitch in his step. Red Ribbon Week didn’t take with this guy.

My wife is busting my balls ever so slightly for bring Whiskey Jack to the game, Scorpion, Frog, Sweetie.

The new 66ers jersey are tits. Phoebe Cates in Fast Times type tits.

Quiet Riot’s “Cum on Feel The Noize” starts the game.

Jabari Henry leads off for the Mavericks – he has 2 HRs already, but is only batting .156. ISOLATED POWER. Leadoff walk.

The ushers wear blue instead of red this year. The Crypts are happy; the Bloods are pissed.

Pathetic Opening Night crowd. Whiskey Jack estimates less than a thousand people here. Times are a tough in Berdoo, I believe WJ I incorrect though – there are at least 2500 people here; WJ has been drinking al lday.

New graphics on the Jumbotron are just amazing . The 66ers have the best scoreboard in the minors.

Sherman Johnson, last night’s hero, opens the bottom of the first with a hit. And promptly is thrown out trying to steal.

Whiskey Jack tells Mr. Grumpy to dive for a foul ball. Mr. Grumpy, a senior citizen (a theme is developing here), mumbles incoherently about trajectory, then shoots Jack the bird. God, I have missed these people.

Lights just went off. This better not affect beer sales.

Billy Idol during the delay. It’s a nice day to start again.

Power is back on — everyone is doing the Carleton. God, I have missed these people.

Wrecking Ball! Is Miley pregnant or not? Who is the father?

Running of the Cows — adult in cow suits, racing. Moo and Brew Steakhouse, a place with delusions of grandeur. It used to be the Rotten Oak, a great dive bar, then they tried to make it respectable, but all hey did was pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

Barefoot Refresh – Wine on Ice! What an exciting time we live in!

OmniTrans! Why walk when you can ride – for $1.35 you can go all the way to Chino!

Sound the Horn! Sound that beautiful Horn!

Homestead Grey is my new homie, but he might eat himself to death by the end of the game.

Mrs. Bads purchases the Belgian Waffle!

BULLSHIT! The fifth inning fly by had not image of a jet! Just the Hangar 24 logo. HORSESHIT! Audio doesn’t cut it, you rat bastards! You fuckers just lost your exclusive beer sponsorship of my book.

6th inning perhaps the greatest minor league promotion/contest called “Cake or Pie”, sponsored by a local bakery. The gist is this—parent and kid get on dugout, 66er promo dude pimps the bakery, then gives the kids a choice of cake or pie. If he chooses pie, he gets to smash his parent with the pie. If he chooses cake, the 66er staff ambushes the parent with the pie. Guess who get to play? My son smashes a whipped cream pie into my face while we are on the third base dugout because I take the whipped cream from my face and rub it in his hair that is the way we roll in my family.

I just realized I have been drinking my dinner tonight. Fun for all! Time to find a bacon wrapped hot dog or two. Or six.

The 66ers acknowledge my wedding anniversary on the Jumbotron. So you have been getting my emails, but are just telling me your email is down because you cannot accommodate my outrageous requests. Any more duplicity, and I will switch my allegiances to the Quakes. Wait, they have Crazy J. Fuck that guy. But thanks for putting the anniversary thing up on the Jumbotron. Maybe Mrs. Bads will want to come back tomorrow night for Super Hero Night.

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