Conversations last night.
Mrs. Bads: Why is it that you are fine with my nephew going to Arizona with us, but not my parents?
Me: C’mon, he is THE BELOVED NEPHEW. I was taking him to games when he was still in high school. He’s a Jackalope! He is coming for the oral tradition.
Mrs. Bads: I think it’s just because you want someone to drink with.
Me: That is a hell of a thing to say about your Mio.
LB: Cousin [BN] said I would be a Jackalope if I got a girl on the lawn to show me her boobs. Is that true, Dad?
Me (facing Mrs. Bads’ icy stare): What? Don’t blame me; he is your nephew. Besides, I have Fast Eddie for a drinking buddy—-
Mrs. Bads: Wait, HE’S coming?
Me: He’s meeting us at the park. I told you that weeks ago.
Mrs. Bads: Yeah, but he’s a flake. Perhaps my parents shouldn’t go if HE is going to be there. You don’t want them to go anyway. I need to call my nephew NOW.
Me: That’s not—
LB (whispering): Don’t say anything, Dad. You’ll just get in more trouble.
A little bit later, on the phone:
Me: You have to be there. She’s expecting you.
Fast Eddie: She hates me.
Me (lying): She doesn’t hate you; you just make her nervous sometimes because you text her things on Christmas like ‘Did you get that black dildo you wanted?’
FE: That was meant for you. I thought that was your number. You should be asking me why I have your wife’s cell phone number. Alright, I’ll go to the game if you pick me up.
Me: I can’t pick you up; we are bringing the Prius.
FE: Wait, did you just say, ‘Prius?’ You own Prius now? You are such a ####### sellout! Remember when you were going to have a ‘66 Chevelle?
Me: That was high school, Dude. You really should try to grow past that.
FE: Mr. ‘I-Rule-The-Road! Kings-and-Queens-Move-Aside When-I-Am-in-the-Fast-Lane’ now owns a ####### Prius. You aren’t going to be intimidating any Hells’ Angels with that vehicle, are you?
Me: That was a long time ago, and they weren’t Hells’ Angels. They were Yuppie Bikers.
FE: Yeah, well now Yuppie Bikers can laugh at you because you drive as Prius. I bet you have a Phillip Phillips CD in the deck, don’t you?
ME (pause): No.
FE: She has it in the other car, doesn’t she? Hurry up and have a mid-life crises so you can get your soul back.