Winter Is Coming

The Cleveland Indians announced a new promotion, Indians’ Snow Days: Feel the Sting of Winter, that ensures suffering will continue at Progressive Field through January 16th. The Tribe brass plans on turning the ballpark into a winter playground that will offer a ice skating, snow tubing, and the chance to commiserate with the ghosts of past Indian failures. “The winter contains the true suffering months in Cleveland, and this year, we are refusing to cede that time to the Browns,” announced a jubilant and somewhat sober Larry Dolan. “For years, that lousy football team has had a monopoly on pain well past the holidays, but this year we are cutting into their pie. Fans can come out to re-visit the place where the Indians pissed away glory year after year.”

“Last year we introduced Indians’ Snow Days,” continued Dolan, “but we made the mistake of promoting it as a wholesome family event. Well, the whores on Prospect ruined that. Those broads are tough and aren’t afraid of showing some skin in the cold. That is not family friendly, and it is gross. This year, we are counting on depression and despair to keep them away — it works in the summer. This winter, Jose Mesa will be the Grand Chairperson of the event. If the whores show up, we will give him a roll of cash, and he will lead them away like the Pied Piper so we can get on with the business of generational suffering. The scoreboard will show a loop on Indians failures to educate the little ones — making them sob is our goal. This will certainly be good for alcohol sales. Parents will put peppermint schnapps in the hot chocolate just to get their kids to be quiet.”

Mayor Frank Jackson was ecstatic about the new plan. “All those people will be that much closer to the casino. Since alcohol will be served, the city will make a fortune on DWI arrests and impound fees. More revenues mean more opportunity for corruption. Those snow tube lanes are broken bones just waiting to happen, which will mean emergency rooms will be bustling. Plus, we are going set up Ohio Lottery booths — the gift that just keeps giving.”

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