Tigers Clinch; Dolan Speaks

Cleveland Indians’ owner Larry Dolan, who had been sipping bourbon since lunch, was in tears late Friday night as he watched the Detroit Tigers celebrate their clinching of the AL Central. “It should have been us,” Dolan lamented, “but we don’t have enough talent in this organization. We look for character, not the ability to play baseball. Still, I wouldn’t change a thing — there will be no Albert Belles here on my watch.”

“It was all part of my plan to change the team nickname from the politically incorrect Indians to the Ignatius Choir Boys. My wife put a temporary hold on that though because the Church hasn’t exactly been getting good press lately because of some inappropriate touching of some priests. I am tired of my team being named after some of history’s biggest losers. The Native Americans who lived around here were so odious that they were wiped out by other tribes in heinous acts of genocide, something that is not in this latest wave of Revisionist History. I better be quiet now; my wife is going to be pissed, and she has me on a short leash.”

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