Jim Thome threw his hat in the ring for the Cleveland Indians’ death match for Team MVP by smashing two homeruns against the Detroit Tigers on Monday nights, ensuring a 9-6 Twins’ victory. “I’m sure Jim did it for the city of Cleveland,” said a piss drunk Larry Dolan. “It is his way of atoning for running off the Philadelphia to chase something as mundane as financial well being. At the time, I hoped he developed a wicked cocaine habit so the locals wouldn’t blame me for his leaving. That didn’t work out as I hoped, but at least Manny Ramirez developed a fertility drug problem.”
“Thome is a gamer,” said manager Manny Acta. “I wish our DH could hit two home runs against the Tigers. Plus, his home run trot is the same speed as Matt LaPorta from first to third. The difference is because Thome hits the ball over the fence, he doesn’t get thrown out at third like The One Man Demolition Crew. My boss should trade LaPorta to the Cubs for Zambrano. His baserunning would make him king there!”
Runs Below Average:
Red Sox: -7.6
Matt LaPorta: -2.3
Overall, the Indians are a +.4 on Fan Graph’s metric, right in the middle of the pack. Here are the three worse baserunners according to this metric:
LaPorta has done his damage in far less opportunities since he is allergic to getting on base. Here are the best according to Fan Graphs:
The Indians’ baserunner is Brantley at 1.3, which is not great shakes, but other than Hafner and LaPorta, they don’t have any real bad baserunners.
When asked if he hit those homeruns for the city of Cleveland, Thome replied emphatically, “No. Cleveland isn’t a real city anymore. I expect Peoria to have a larger population before I die. Whenever I have to go back to that place, I am reminded of Pete Townshend’s Slit Skits:
I’m number one in the home team, but I still feel unfulfilled.
A silent voice in her broken heart complaining that I’m unskilled.
And I know that when she thinks of me, she thinks of me as him,
But, unlike me, she don’t work off her frustration in the gym.
Recriminations fester and the past can never change
A woman’s expectations run from both ends of the range
Once she walked with untamed lovers’ faces between her legs
Now he’s cooled and stifled and it’s she who has to beg.”