Dave Burba and Paul Assenmacher’s evil twin, Pyro, pitched tonite for the Tribe. Burba was wearing Ubaldo Jimenez’s jersey, and Assenmacher was wearing Chris Perez’s jersey, and the results were late 1990’s. Burba failed to pitch well enough to put away a large lead, and Pyro gave up a gopher ball in the ninth that erased the Indians’ lead. To top it off, Matt LaPorta was possessed again, this time by Chuck Knoblauch. Somewhere, Jose Mesa is laughing.
“Fans have been whining about how I ruined the Golden Age of Indians’ baseball,” sneered owner Larry Dolan. “Well, we brought back those good old days and paid a helluva a lot more than Sean Casey to replicate the Jacobs’ era. How do you like them apples now? Only in Cleveland would losing two World Series be considered a golden era. You have an entire generation of fans embracing the ludicrous notion that the Browns of the late 80’s were a team of the ages. Because their dads told them how glorious Brown/Ryan/Kelly were, they try to do the same with Kosar/Slaughter/Golic because they fear the generation link (curse) will break. Well, enjoy the past, you fuckers.”