Suddenly, The Season Is Saved

The Travis Buck era ended in Cleveland today as he was designated for assignment. This bold move means immediate addition through subtraction as Buck was an absolutely atrocious hitter, hitting .228/.275/.342, which is still better than Orlando Cabrera .589 OPS, but Cabrera is willing to massage manager Manny Acta’s feet after games, so he is indispensable. “Your feet are your foundation, which is why I have such nice shoes,” said GM Chris Antonetti. “We can’t have a manager with sore feet. We learned that with Eric Wedge, who was too proud to let a man touch his feet, even Casey Blake. He’d get all Pulp Fiction even we even suggested someone rub his feet. Our bullpen’s success is largely a function of Orlando rubbing Manny’s feet. Manny’s head is right late in the game because his feet feel good.”

The Indians cut ties with Buck to make room for Kosuke Fukudome, who the Indians acquired for minor league fodder Abner Abreu and Carlton Smith. Abreu strikes out so much that even Adam Dunn and Mark Reynolds would get queasy if they saw his totals, plus he walks as much as Gary Disarcina because he thinks all breaking balls have to end up in the strike zone at one point. Smith is a pitcher who only struck out 5.8 batters per nine innings pitched, although he somehow a striking out nine per nine IP this season in AAA. In other words, the Cubs gave Fukudome to the Tribe, especially since they are eating most of his salary.

“Fukudome doesn’t make too many outs,” said Antonetti, “which is important to our concession sales. Our game have been ending too fast because most of our hitters are only adept at getting back to the dugout quickly. We are projecting a 7.3453% increase in beer sales and a 9.1435% increase in hot dog sales with Fukudome’s ability to prolong the game. We can use those increased revenues to pay for the bonus of another draft bust next year, so he helps us short term and long term. I love making those type of trades!”

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