The Cleveland Indians won a game Thursday night when rock star Shin-Soo Choo smacked a single into a seagull grounded in the outfield in extra innings. In a city that has been eternally cursed by a water nymph residing in Lake Erie, this cannot be a good thing. Some sort a wicked retribution surely most follow, like Marty Schottenheimer being named head coach of the Browns again.
The fact that the seagulls have recently made Progressive “We Can’t Spring For a Good Looking Spokeswoman” Field their home is rather unsettling. How long will it be before those birds go all Hitchcock on the few remaining people who live downtown and tear their flesh from their bones with their dirty little beaks? Will Mayor Frank “Cool Hand Shady” Jackson be able to recover from the Ohio Supreme Court’s ruling against the City of Cleveland’s requirement for employees to live within city limits and muster a defense against the invading predators, or will he take to the hills with his fleeing work force?
Not so long ago, during the false revival of the nineties, the city had the chance to appease the Erie water nymph by constructing a large monument to burning Cuyahoga in the form of Ralph Perk’s bowling shoe topped by an eternal flame. The city declined, choosing instead to believe the past could be forgotten because some drunks were willing to consistently moor their boats outside some really rot gut bars. Alas, waiters and waitresses cannot sustain a tax base, and the window for redemption soon closed. John Hart went mad, the city willingly gave its hopes and dreams to the Lerner family, soon downtown the boards were back up, and the seasons began being tracked by the announcement of undisclosed injuries of members of the Cleveland Browns.
Now as Cleveland faces another exodus of tax payers as its workers scramble to the suburbs, perhaps the true Cleveland apocalypse is set to begin. A couple of years ago, the midges made the scene, now it is the gulls, just daring Indians’ employees to feed them Alka Seltzer so they can explode like martyrs in a fine red mist, setting in motion the next chain if events that will result in fiery destruction.
Or maybe the status quo will remain.