So yesterday in the Cactus League things got a little chippy between Angels’ fans and Royals’ fans, mainly because Royals’ fans were acting like entitled jerks. Their team win one World Championship, and the fan base flocks to Arizona for spring training, forgetting that their all tile great player is most famous for hemorrhoids and pine tar. The Angels don’t really have an all time great players, so no ice breakers there!
Some dude in front of me was wearing a crown and blue cape even though it was DESERT HOT. Someone shouted, “Sit down, Gandalf!” He replied Gandalf wears white. Technically, he was correct. At least he wasn’t rude like many of his fellow brethren. One Royals’ mom was moaning about having to wait in the concession line, as if we were supposed to get out of her way. An Orange County housewife turned to her and said, “Honey, you’d probably be much happier if your husband paid for a lift.”
Around the seventh inning, things started to get particularly nasty because beer had been flowing. Just as things were about to GET PHYSICAL, so dude in a Toronto Blue Jays’ fan jersey walked by – a dark blue Donaldson one, which is a violation of at least three Cactus League taboos. As much as I wanted to see a RUMBLE, I could not avoid a peacemaking opportunity.
“Look, everyone,” I shouted. “A Canadian Snowbird! Them’s good eats! Let’s throw him on a spit!” This brought laughter from the blood thirsty crowd, and tension was released. The Blue Jays’ fan was bewildered, so I said, “Tell us how the 2016 NBA All Star Weekend was the greatest of the modern era!”
“It wasn’t,” he stammered. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
The Inland Empire 66ers and Cesar E. Chavez Middle School seek to enrich their partnership by creating a Career Pathways project that will allow Chavez students to explore possible careers in certain sports related vocations while also developing the valuable skills necessary for many vocations. The 66ers will graciously allow Chavez students to shadow certain employees on low attendance game nights and perform job tasks. The 66ers will also mentor the Chavez students through an internship program, and allow the Cesar Chavez Video Production (CCVP) team to record pre and post game activities and also record game time activities. CCVP will use their own equipment for these purposes, and will only use this video footage for instructional purposes at Chavez Middle School and not broadcast any footage. The Career Pathways project will create enduring programs that future students will be able to utilize also. The following career pathways will be available:
- Game recaps (beat reporter)
- Scouting reports/statistical analysis
- play by play of games (video and audio)
- pre/post game reports
- Long term game promotions (print/digital/video)
- Between inning promotions (create audio and video ads for sponsors)
- Social media
- Sound effects/video bytes
- Group sales promotions
- Music integration
- Team history/photo archive (graphic recreations)
- Bernie’s Children Books
- Video log
Public Relations/Customer Service
- Greeting customers
- Customer assistance
- Community Service
- First aid
- Trainer shadowing
The Cleveland Indians dropped their first Spring Training game today, meaning there will be six more weeks of winter in Cleveland, another losing season for the Tribe, and no economic recovery in the city for at least another seven years. Mayor Frank G. Jackson shrugged his shoulders and said, “That certainly wasn’t unexpected. That is what we do here. The NFL Draft is less than two months away. It is this town’s only salvation.”
Many Clevelanders were not a resigned as the mayor. “This is some bullshit, man,” said Kevin O’Leary at the West Side Irish Club. “I pay my taxes, clothe my kids in Indians gear, and for what? When is this team ever going to give something back? And they wonder why I haven’t gone to a game since 2004! Thank God the NFL draft is almost here. I think this is the year we finally get a QB!”
“This was supposed to be our year!” cried Tom Bankowski. “A new Public Square, and Parmatown Mall is going be converted into open air shopping. Open air shopping in Northeast Ohio! What a concept. The Indians could not even hold up their end of the bargain. All they had to do was beat the Reds today to give us some hope. The Reds! They are practically a AAA team these days. With Shapiro gone, the path to redemption – hey, is that a mock draft sheet you have in your hand?”
MLB’s secret plan to eradicate all Canadians from baseball took another step forward today when Andrew Case, a Blue Jays’ player from New Brunswick, was suspended fifty games for failing to show up for a drug test.
Troy Tulowitzki appears to still be playing the jilted lover, still complaining about get traded to a winning team last season from the abysmal Colorado Rockies. He even leveled a shot at the Rockies’ spring training facility at Salt River, calling it a country club that allowed players to get comfortable, and he would rather be in Dunedin. You know what makes a player comfortable, Troy? Extended trips to the DL. But you go ahead and pretend that playing in the hood at Dunedin will help you keep it real.
Tulowitzki is also under the false impression that he won’t be traded again during this contract. He will be one of the first guys Mark Shapiro moves when Shapiro begins his five year rebuilding plan (if healthy), which should commence before the Indy 500. Enforcer Eric “Jim Beam in the Dugout” Wedge should start giving Tulowitzki the stink eye any day. Wedge better be careful though – too harsh of a glare might put Tulowitzki back on the DL.
So this is the season I attempt to delve into the Occult of College Baseball, which is a rather weird sect of the Religion of Baseball. I usually avoid college ball for two reasons: aluminum bats and the scarcity of beer sales. However, there is a distinct lack of Canadians in college ball, so it can’t be all bad.
Here are some major differences the Occult contains:
Parents of the players abound. In this regard, there is a Little League feel in the stands. Overprotective Mama Bears who would be DEAD MEAT in the California League will snarl and even pounce if their cub is insulted. Dads are often the worst Mama Bears, plus many dads still coach their sons from the stands. Hey disphit, your kid would probably be a lot more relaxed if you weren’t shouting instructions from your seat. Do you pull up a chair in his dorm room and bark instructions about how to satisfy his girlfriend?
The umps are ridden more in college ball than in other level of ball – from the dugouts to the fans, displeasure rains. Opposing fans will even shout at each other about how their teams got screwed.
The player do a lot of rah rah camaraderie nonsense, stuff you will never see in the professional ball. Some of this is because there isn’t the transiency you see in the minors – guys are with their team for all for years of college.
The defense is much more raw, especially corner outfielders.
No lead is safe thanks to weak bullpens, poor defense and aluminum bats.
I wonder if Mark Shapiro is still bitter that he wasn’t nominated for Best Supporting Actor in Moneyball. The dude practically launched Jonas Hill’s career in that movie, and now his portrayal of John Hart is forgotten.
To all these goobers clamoring about going to Canada if Trump is elected: hey, you dumb bastards, an America with Trump at the helm is still infinitely better than Canada. Quit being such worry warts. In the long run, civil wars promote prosperity, especially if there is a catchy slogan involved: The Reconstruction 2: This Time, Let’s Do It Right!
Twitter makes this species dumber, but probably speeds up Selective Darwinism, so everything washes in the end.
The Indians set fire to a big pile of money today when they officially signed Juan Uribe. They could have given that money to some local kids’ charities and received more production than what they will receive from THE FAT FOSSIL.
Boo hoo hoo. Gerrit Cole is upset because he didn’t get more money from the Pittsburgh Pirates even though he is not arb eligible and was awarded an eight million dollar signing bonus. Life is tough, youngster. Go back to school and earn a degree in contract law.
Abraham Almonte has been suspended for eighty days for banned substances. Poor Abe.
Bernie Kosar will be at the Ford Auto Show this Wednesday at the IX Center in Cleveland because Cleveland never forgets a hero, especially when he was the third best QB is his division when he played.
The Cavs have lost two in a row, and are 6-4 over their last ten games, so the head coach should be fired any day.
It will be 90 degrees in Goodyear, Arizona this week. HYDRATE OR DIE!